The wisdom of my staff...

"David Hasslehoff? What was he in? Is he the one who looks like the one in that really old dancing film, the one from the eighties?"

"I can't afford to travel into work before nine o'clock so I'll be in for ten from now on" (she gets travel expenses reimbursed regardless of cost, but loses an hour's pay each day she comes in later)

"Don't talk crap - when has the Catholic Church ever murdered anyone?"

"It is stupid to say the Vatican should pay for priests in hospitals. So what if they've got loads of nice stuff in there that's expensive? God deserves a really nice building full of lovely things - he's God."(I mention that everything is technically already His, according to Him) "What would you know about it? You aren't even a Catholic!"

"I can't believe I didn't pass my theory test" (I mention her utter failure to revise at all may have been a contributory factor) "How was I to know I was going to fail? Some boys I know told me it was really easy, they all said they got 100% and didn't have to try."

"I can't believe John - he's cheating on his girlfriend again. Can you believe it? I'd never cheat on someone I was in a relationship with". (I concur and ask her how her evening was...) "Oh, fine. We went out to a wine bar and when we got home I shagged John. He's such a bastard."


"I love the Kooks - they're a really good band"

"John is such a poser. He really loves himself. I don't think he's fit".

"Can I come and use your computer? I've got no internet and need to get this college application off tonight or I'll not get in?" (I reply in the affirmative. Later that evening, a text arrives...) "Sry cnt cm rnd, Bobby cutng mi hair x"

"Oh my god, what am I going to do? What would you do?" (I'd apply for college before getting a haircut, you dumb tart)

"You know, I think caffeine is keeping me awake at night" (I intrepidly enquire as to whether she drinks coffee in the evenings) "Well I had three cups between about ten and twelve" (Her colleague observes that this is obviously going to keep one awake) "No, I've never had it affect me that way. It usually helps me sleep" (Yes, sweetheart, and cocaine makes you an even more reserved, self-effacing intellectual than you already are...)

"At the weekend I woke up and some sick had come out of my bottom"

"Doesn't air go in through the holes in your jeans?"

"Is Jeremy Vine a gay? I hate him. He's so gay. Why does he have to be so gay?"

"I love gay guys"

(As anyone who knows me will attest, I carry 20 gigabytes of music around with me and play them constantly to anyone who will listen. As soon as she hears ANY electric guitar...) "Is this Metallica?"

I'll post more as I remember them.